How to Deal with Infertility During the Holidays
It starts after Thanksgiving, the radio plays Frank Sinatra singing,” Have yourself a merry little Christmas,” with its’ opening verse, “Let your heart be light, From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.” Whatever your denomination is, if you are going through fertility treatments or if you have been trying to conceive naturally, you might not be light of heart.
The holidays are usually the time spent with family. In fact, the media depicts this with children dressed up in their holiday finest, get togethers, presents, and gatherings by the fire. If you check out social media you will find posts showing travels abroad, vacations, laughter and cheer. Let’s face it, a non-reality for many. All of this can further amplify loneliness and feelings of inadequacy for everyone let alone those struggling with infertility. There is the wish that you had a family and were busy having all that fun instead of trying everything known to man to conceive and feeling emotionally drained and physically bankrupt.
My patients tell me that it is not easy for them to talk to friends, co-workers and family about what they are going through. The all too well-meaning question that people often ask them is, “When are you guys going to have kids?” So much shame exists around this topic for both men and women that it takes a toll on intimacy.
What can you do to get that feeling of connection and love back in your life during this time?
1. Gratitude - I know it sounds cliché but there is so much to be thankful for. In our minds it is said we have a negativity bias so we have to practice remembering the positive things we have in our life. It might be simple like gratitude for nutritious food we eat or that we are healthy.
2. Serve - Nothing like being of service to others in need to make us feel good. For example, feed the homeless. In many spiritual practices and religions, giving to others is an important teaching.
3. Dis-connect - On valentine’s day I saw this couple at a Japanese restaurant with both heads glued to their phones. Where is the intimacy? If you spend a lot of time on electronics schedule time to be electronic free. Instead, go out with friends, family and your partner. Look deep into their eyes because in Chinese medicine the eyes reflect the soul and also contain the life force, spirit or what is called “ shen.”
4. Laugh - It’s good for your health. Watch a funny movie. I was in tears at a recent lecture when a professor played us funny cuts on You-tube of old cartoons..
5. Remember - We are on a journey in this life like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. We all think forces outside ourselves like the powerful Oz will rescue us. We must remember is we have everything it takes inside of us to re-frame our situation. I tell my patients that we can not possibly know how the future is going to turn out even if we have visited a psychic. Each of us has to enjoy the moment.
During the holidays, when all else fails there is always mistletoe. Find some and have a passionate kiss. This always does wonders to bring back connection.
